Escape to Paradise: Entire 2nd Floor, 3BR Solsken Guest House, Philippines!
Okay, buckle up, because we're diving deep into a review of a hotel trying to sell you a getaway… and I'm going to be brutally, wonderfully, humanly honest. Let's call the hotel, say… "The Grand Swish." (Yeah, because that tells you nothing.)
Alright, here we go. We're gonna hit all these categories, and trust me, by the end, you'll feel like you've lived at The Grand Swish, even if you haven't.
First Impressions & The Accessibility Tango:
So, the Grand Swish. They say they're all about… well, about a lot. Let's start with something crucially important: Accessibility. They list "Wheelchair accessible." Good start, but I'm a little wary. Because "Wheelchair accessible" can mean anything from "a ramp and a prayer" to "truly designed for ease." I want to know, are the restaurants/lounges on-site accessible? Are the bathrooms? This is fundamental. They also list "Facilities for disabled guests," which is vague. Let's hope that means something more than a slightly wider door and a slightly lower towel rack, you know? The devil is in the details and I need to see it to believe it. Otherwise, it’s just a word.
Internet… Or Lack Thereof… And My Existential Crisis:
Okay, the internet. This is where things get interesting, and by interesting, I mean potentially stressful. They boast "Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" Great! That's the minimum, really. But then they list "Internet [LAN]" – who is still using LAN cables?! Remember those? This kind of made me feel old. This made me feel like I was going to be stuck in the early 2000s. Then they mention "Internet Services" – what even are those? And of course, "Wi-Fi in public areas." Good. Because I hate being cut off from the world while sipping my overpriced cocktail.
Things To Do… Or, How To Avoid My Actual Life:
Alright, let’s loosen up! "Things to do." They list tons, but I have to tell you, my REAL goal is to not do anything. They've got the full spa shebang: Body scrub, Body wrap, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom. Okay, these are all things I could get behind. I am a sucker for a good massage -- but honestly, is the masseuse any good? You want to know the real secret? If you do a body scrub, you can't have a good massage. Don't ask me why. Just go with it. And the "Fitness center, Gym/fitness" – well, unless they've got a treadmill with a really good view, I might use it once. Maybe. (Probably not.) And the outdoor "Swimming pool [outdoor]"? That sounds fantastic. I envision myself, sprawled on a chaise lounge, a book in one hand and a ridiculously expensive cocktail in the other. Because I deserve that.
Cleanliness, Safety, and the Overwhelm That Is Modern Life:
Let's get serious for a sec. Cleanliness and safety. This is huge. After the past few years, I'm basically expecting a hazmat suit to come standard. They seem to have thought of everything: Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit, Hand sanitizer, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment. This is a massive list. And you know what? It sounds… exhausting. It's like living in a lab. And "Room sanitization opt-out available"? That’s actually a pretty good move on their part -- it shows they are thinking of all kinds of people.
Food, Glorious Food… (And My Inner Critic Fights Me):
The Grand Swish better have good food. They've got pretty much everything: Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant. I am intrigued by the "Asian breakfast" and the "Western breakfast." What's the mix? But let's be real, I'm mostly there for the "Happy hour" and the "Desserts in restaurant." Gimme ALL the carbs and all the cocktails. And I love a good "Poolside bar," because it's the very definition of vacation. But…is the food actually good? Or just… present? Because it's a hotel, so my expectations are low. My biggest concern: that they make me wait too long for the food. That's my biggest peeve.
Services and Conveniences… Where I Start to Feel Like a VIP:
This is where The Grand Swish starts to sound… tempting. Air conditioning in public area - essential. Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Room service [24-hour], Safety deposit boxes, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center. The doorman and the daily housekeeping make me think a) they finally realized the importance of customer service and b) that I might be treated like royalty.
Family Fun, or "Please, Someone Else, Take My Kids":
They've got Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, and Kids facilities… The parents' prayer has been answered.
Details, Details, Details… (And the Room That Could Make or Break Me):
Alright, the rooms. This is it. this is where it all comes down to, right? They've got "Available in all rooms: Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens.”
Okay, that's a lot. Seriously. Additional toilet? Hmm… Interesting. I'm partial to a bathtub, and the bathrobes better be fluffy. The blackout curtains are essential for this vacationer. The In-room safe box? Crucial. And of course, the Wi-Fi [free]. And finally, the open window is important! I need to feel the fresh air, and the sun!
My Honest Review: The Grand Swish – Worth the Hype?
Okay, here's my take. The Grand Swish sounds promising. They've covered a lot of bases, from accessibility (with some big "if's") to safety (which I appreciate) to… stuff to do (which I might actually get around to, eventually). But here's the thing: a hotel is not just a building; it's an experience.
The success of The Grand Swish hinges on whether they can deliver. Is the staff friendly and efficient? Is the food actually delicious? Is the Wi-Fi reliable? And, crucially, does it feel relaxing? Does it feel like a break?
And Now, For The Pitch:
So, here's the deal…
You're stressed, right? You need a break. You deserve a break from the ordinary. And, honestly, The Grand Swish – with its promise of pool time, spa treatments, and (hopefully) amazing food – offers a tempting escape.
Here's what I want:
- The fluffiest robes possible.
- A room with a view (preferably of the pool).
- Happy hour, every hour.
- A
Alright, buckle up, buttercups! This ain't your Insta-perfect travel itinerary. This is… my take on a few days at Solsken Guest House, 2nd Floor, 3 BR in the Philippines. Prepare for some serious ramblin', some over-emotional gushing, and the absolute truth about my questionable decisions. Here we go!
Solsken Scramble: A Clusterf*ck of Sunshine and Sand
(This is just a guideline, people. My plan is to have no plan. That's the plan.)
Day 1: Arrival (Plus Existential Dread and Mangoes)
Morning (or, you know, whenever the hell I wake up): Arrive at the airport. Ugh, airports. The fluorescent lights, the stale air… I swear, I'm already judging everyone in flip-flops. Okay, deep breaths. Remember why you're doing this. Sun! Sand! Cheap beer! (And, let's be honest, escaping the daily grind of gestures vaguely at life).
- Transportation: Pre-booked airport transfer. Fingers crossed it’s not a death trap. Seriously, I saw a guy on YouTube, like, flying through the air in one of these things. Okay, maybe I'm overthinking.
- Emotional State: Mix of jet lag and a healthy dose of pre-vacation anxiety. Did I pack enough sunscreen? Did I remember to pack sunscreen? Oh, the humanity!
Afternoon: Solsken Check-in & First Impressions. Finally! The guest house! Praying it looks as charming as the pictures. (Those things are always catfishes.) Gotta navigate the stairs with my giant, overstuffed suitcase. This is where I'll probably realize I'm in terrible shape.
- Immediate Reaction: Praying the AC works. Is it clean? More importantly, are there enough outlets to charge everything I own?
- Quirky Observation: Okay, the "welcome fruit basket" better not just have apples. I'm a mango kinda gal.
Late Afternoon/Early Evening : The first sunset. Gotta find a spot with a good view. Maybe the balcony? Possibly the beach? This is it, the moment I realize why I left everything. Gonna be emotional about it.
- The First Meal: Gotta find some genuine Filipino grub. Lechon? Adobo? I'm ready. And, if they serve a ridiculously strong cocktail, I'm ordering two. (Or three. Don't judge me.)
- Impending Doom: The thought that I'll have to spend the next few days interacting with human beings. Eeek. Maybe I'll just hide in the room and eat instant noodles.
Day 2: Beach Bliss (and a near-disaster with a coconut)
Morning: Okay, the AC works. Score! Breakfast on the balcony (hopefully with mangoes). Time to embrace it all. This is the life!
- Beach Exploration: Time to unleash my inner beach bum. The ocean, the sand, that sun-kissed skin… Okay, I'm already envisioning myself as a super-model.
- Disaster Strikes: Attempt to climb a coconut tree for the gram. (Kidding! Kind of…) But seriously, I'm gonna try to open a coconut. And I'm probably going to fail spectacularly. Picture me, dripping in coconut water, covered in sand, and looking like a complete idiot. This is the content right here.
Afternoon: Nap time. Essential. Seriously, vacationing is hard work.
- Post-Nap Wanderings: Maybe a local market to explore the local goods. I'm gonna try bartering and hopefully not get completely ripped off.
- Opinionated Rant: Tourist traps are the worst, but I'm also a sucker for them. It’s my Achilles' heel.
Evening: Sunset drinks! (See a pattern?) Find a bar with live music. Hopefully, the music is actually…good. No cheesy karaoke, please. I can't deal with that.
- Food: Hit up that local restaurant with the Tripadvisor reviews but brace yourself, because after a few drinks, I'm gonna be all critical about it!
Day 3: Island Hopping (and Questionable Decisions)
Morning: Wake up with a foggy memory of the previous night. Regret? Maybe. Hunger? Definitely. Breakfast, again. And yes, more mangoes!
Island Hopping Adventure: The classic Philippine experience. Boat trip to some "tropical paradise." The photos will be stunning. My mental state may be a different story. Praying the boat doesn't sink. That would be a buzzkill.
- The Snorkeling Fail: So, I tried snorkeling once. Let's just say, I mostly swallowed seawater and flailed around like a dying fish. This time, I'm determined! Or, at least, I’ll try to look cute in the snorkel. Priorities, people.
- The Perfect Beach: Find that pristine beach with the crystal-clear water. Take a million pictures. Post them on Instagram. Become the envy of my friends. (Kidding…kinda.)
Afternoon: Massage! Oh, yes. A traditional Filipino massage. Gonna get all the knots worked out. Might even fall asleep. (Probably will.)
- Emotional Rollercoaster: Feel all the feels in the moment, and maybe shed a tear or two. I’m a sensitive soul.
Evening: Farewell dinner. (Already sad.) Gotta find that perfect restaurant, the one that makes you want to stay forever. (Spoiler alert: it probably won't exist.)
- The Last Drink: One last cocktail to bid adieu to paradise. Or, maybe two. Or three… Who's counting?
- Contemplation: Reflect on all the amazing experiences, the cringe-worthy moments, and the beautiful things I have seen. That’s the best thing about traveling, right?
Day 4: Departure (and the Post-Vacation Blues)
- Morning: Pack. Ugh. The worst part. Trying to fit everything back into the suitcase. Will it all fit? Probably not. I always overpack. Always.
- Last Breakfast: One last hurrah. More mangoes! (I'm gonna miss the mangoes!)
- Departure: Check out of Solsken. Say goodbye to the amazing staff (hopefully, I didn't annoy them too much). Head to the airport.
- Airport Debrief: Reflect on what could have been better, what was great, and what I'll never do again.
- Final Thoughts: Start planning my next vacation!
- And finally… Promise myself to never, ever, ever stay in a hostel again.
- Final, Final, Final Thoughts: Start planning my next vacation!
- And… Now to start the long journey home. I'm going to be so sad when I get back.
- And…
- Emotional Breakdown: This whole thing, the trip, was far too short, I don't want it to come to an end.
So, there you have it. My highly subjective and utterly chaotic itinerary for Solsken Guest House. Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it. And if you see a crazy person stumbling around the beaches, yelling at coconuts, that's probably me. Don't judge. Just offer me a beer. And preferably, a mango!
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